Ladonian Diplomacy – A Guide
Admiral Pedro has worked out recommended conventions for diplomatic activities in Ladonia:
“When meeting the other diplomat(s) for the first time, be sure to glare at them menacingly. First impressions are key! Imagine squishing their brains from inside their skulls with the power of our mind alone, because that’s how we want them to feel. Don’t try this if you have psychic powers, because you may actually squish their brains, and that would be a total disaster for international diplomacy. It’s okay if our glaring makes them soil their trousers, however. A good diplomat remembers to sneer at their opponents as well, to discourage any friendly banter that may be used as a sneaky way to gain trust.
If they insist on shaking hands, be sure to give a big, fat, awkward pause before reaching out and strategically grabbing their first four fingers in an iron grip and shaking their now-helpless hand like a dead fish. Always make sure that you have backup, so they can glare at the other diplomats for you while you appraise them one by one. Sunglasses are a nice touch, as are long dark overcoats. Make sure your backups are wearing dark overcoats as well, and if one of them is wearing a set of brass knuckles, so much the better.
Don’t go overboard, though! Remember, the diplomatic talks haven’t even started yet, and you don’t want to scare them off before you’ve gotten what you want from them.
Compromising is a big no-no in our diplomacy, unless we’re agreeing to lay off the verbal insults in exchange for an extra punch to their face.
We Never yield any of your demands; they can smell weakness a mile away, and they will take advantage. That’s right: our whole country will get it up the rear because you couldn’t hold your own at the table. We admit no weakness, even if we have nothing left to back up your claims. Entire army killed off? It only looks that way because our side has developed invisible soldiers. No money left? That’s because the Romulians arrived on our side and taught our people how to live without currency, and now we have spaceships that can travel faster than light!
Make unreasonable demands
Show no mercy
Bring a weapon
Take their shoes off and slam the table with them
Put things into perspective
Have good manners
Value the lives of their fellow humans
Consider the consequences
Hold talks on neutral ground
Act like pussies
Listening is also very bad diplomacy. By listening, you acknowledge that our opponent’s aids fart thoughts and opinions are worthy of consideration, which they are not. Unless, of course, we’re trying to lull them into a false sense of security by pretending to listen or just stalling for time, but that kind of subtlety is for advanced diplomats only. Better to stuff cotton wads into our ears and holler at them until your vocal chords, in a desperate bid to save themselves, detach from our throat of their own volition.
All diplomats respect a person who projects an aura of authority, so try to sit in a chair that makes you look authoritative. Arrange for a bigger chair than everyone else’s, or use a phone book as a last resort. Sit at the end of the table if it’s a long one, and try to situate yourself so that any windows with the sun shining through them are to your back. Nothing makes a person look intimidating like being a silhouette, and let’s not forget that they’ll be squinting the whole time, so they’ll be more likely to acquiesce to your demands just to get the sun out of their eyes. If you aren’t lucky enough to secure this kind of seat, well, that’s what the sunglasses are for.
One final note about chairs: try putting a whoopee cushion on your opponent’s seat. Noisy flatulence may not confer a diplomatic advantage, but it is absolutely hilarious.
Once the actual conversation has begun, dispense with formalities and get straight to the point. Give a list of the demands you are making.
Unfortunately, they probably won’t agree right away; they may even protest that your demands are unreasonable. Don’t be discouraged though! That’s when the indignant rage comes into play, followed by passive-aggressiveness. If they persist in being stubborn little monkey-men, don’t show frustration, as this may be a sign of weakness and will only encourage them. Instead, pound your fist on the table and stand up in anger, in order to prove that you will only suffer their foolishness for so long before raining your diplomatic fury down upon them.”